God is seeing fit to remove some obstacles in my life that distract me from Him. I'm not saying He caused this disease in me. I can't know, although I do wonder about my heavy use of spray paint in a sultry courtyard the day before symptoms steamrolled in in October. This morning, I'm finding it interesting and am curious about what hindsight, if I'm blessed with that, will look like in this journey.
REMOVED OR SET ASIDE: Walking and hiking; Shopping; Cleaning our house (I know this sounds like a blessing, but after 4 months of Greg carrying this alone, I long to be the one running the vacuum and making broad sweeps with a dust rag.); Cooking much at all; Driving; Independence; Playing fetch with our dogs; Grooming Asher; Lifting or carrying anything heavier than one dinner plate. I'm really not complaining. I'm just curious.
THE EXCHANGE: Pain or discomfort that wakes me up by 5:30am for the best part of each day......sitting at the feet of my Savior receiving many gifts from Him; Hurry and busyness- my default distraction from the Lord......for rest and relaxation and the ability to watch someone else do the work; The addiction of doing for others......for the gifts daily of receiving from others, especially my Knight in Shining Armor, Greg; Desire for control.....for surrender to the Lord's deep work in my heart and soul; Aching and tears.....to experience the unconditional love of my husband with countless foot, hand, neck (etc etc) rubs and words of comfort.
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Saturday, January 21, 2012
YOU LIFT ME UP
Mornings are my absolute favorite time of day....
I see the spectacular displays of God's glory in new ways each day!
Like this from yesterday morning, taken facing east from our front porch.
Friday, January 20, 2012
MELTDOWNS & MERCIES
I crawled into bed last night, after painfully making my way downstairs from watching the season premier of Idol with Greg. "What is with both of my hips getting into the action now, to join my hurting ankles and feet?" I was discouraged again. I shuffled carefully like my 94 yr old Daddy did, down the long hallways toward our bedroom. I like to go to bed again, now that I can sleep much of the night without pain. But I was becoming overwhelmed with thoughts of getting worse and worse (pictures of being greatly deformed & of debilitation were flooding my mind), thoughts of Greg finding an active, healthy woman to have a fun life with, and thoughts of poor poor Barb. I crawled (literally) into bed, with Greg quickly joining me to read his novel.
I usually like to have my meltdowns alone with the Lord. I can be totally ridiculous, wail and sob out my self-pity and scripture verses of God's promises, which always end up lifting me out of the familiar but dark pit. But with my sweetheart next to me (well, the dog was between us, but we were in close proximity), I didn't want to subject Greg to my drama on top of all the rest of caring for me he is sweetly enduring (it's taking endurance for both of us on some days). He massaged my fingers sticking out of the wrist braces and rubbed my neck. I smiled towards him with eyes closed, trying to hold back the flood of tears ready to break through the dam. With drama of soul but not of outward expression, I gratefully fell rather quickly asleep.
I got up at 6am, having overslept my normal 5:30am rising. I stepped out of bed, and felt overwhelmed with God's new mercies this morning. My hips & ankles felt pain free, I could walk from my bed without shuffling. Eagerly I entered my "sanctuary" where I meet with the Lord each morning. Having set myself up for the morning the previous night as I always do, I boiled my tea water and sat down with my Bible, Jesus Calling devo, and iPad. I read my Joni Eareakson Tada daily devo & my Presidential Prayerline devo on my iPad. Sweet stuff. It always is.
When I got to the Psalms (ch 18, vs. 1-15) in the Scriptures. The psalmist penned my exact sentiments: "I love you, LORD, my strength. The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold." I pictured each of these metaphors, heartily agreeing with each. "I called to the LORD, who is worthy of praise, and I have been saved from my enemies." Yes yes, calling....worthy of praise....'being' saved from my ailment-enemies...And then it launched into the drama I felt the night before. Cords of death entangling me, torrents of destruction overwhelming me......and God coming from heaven in blazing fashion to rescue this poor, poor woman. I almost chuckled out loud. God has a great sense of humor! I didn't feel made fun of, but he was laughing with me in my fresh perspective of how small my issues are compared to so so many around the world and even in my city. When the drama pounds on my door, I need to quickly run to my Archer...."He shot his arrows and scattered the enemy." Yes You did Lord, You do that! And my enemies of pain, self-pity, exhaustion, self-focus. Thank you my Deliverer!
I usually like to have my meltdowns alone with the Lord. I can be totally ridiculous, wail and sob out my self-pity and scripture verses of God's promises, which always end up lifting me out of the familiar but dark pit. But with my sweetheart next to me (well, the dog was between us, but we were in close proximity), I didn't want to subject Greg to my drama on top of all the rest of caring for me he is sweetly enduring (it's taking endurance for both of us on some days). He massaged my fingers sticking out of the wrist braces and rubbed my neck. I smiled towards him with eyes closed, trying to hold back the flood of tears ready to break through the dam. With drama of soul but not of outward expression, I gratefully fell rather quickly asleep.
I got up at 6am, having overslept my normal 5:30am rising. I stepped out of bed, and felt overwhelmed with God's new mercies this morning. My hips & ankles felt pain free, I could walk from my bed without shuffling. Eagerly I entered my "sanctuary" where I meet with the Lord each morning. Having set myself up for the morning the previous night as I always do, I boiled my tea water and sat down with my Bible, Jesus Calling devo, and iPad. I read my Joni Eareakson Tada daily devo & my Presidential Prayerline devo on my iPad. Sweet stuff. It always is.
When I got to the Psalms (ch 18, vs. 1-15) in the Scriptures. The psalmist penned my exact sentiments: "I love you, LORD, my strength. The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold." I pictured each of these metaphors, heartily agreeing with each. "I called to the LORD, who is worthy of praise, and I have been saved from my enemies." Yes yes, calling....worthy of praise....'being' saved from my ailment-enemies...And then it launched into the drama I felt the night before. Cords of death entangling me, torrents of destruction overwhelming me......and God coming from heaven in blazing fashion to rescue this poor, poor woman. I almost chuckled out loud. God has a great sense of humor! I didn't feel made fun of, but he was laughing with me in my fresh perspective of how small my issues are compared to so so many around the world and even in my city. When the drama pounds on my door, I need to quickly run to my Archer...."He shot his arrows and scattered the enemy." Yes You did Lord, You do that! And my enemies of pain, self-pity, exhaustion, self-focus. Thank you my Deliverer!
Thursday, January 19, 2012
MAGNIFY....
My friend Kathy shared a devotion with me that I am thinking about....
Oh, magnify the Lord with me.....Fix your eyes on Jesus....If you seek me, you will find me, if you seek me with all your heart....
What I look at will be what my heart seeks. When I magnify the Lord, (as in a magnifying glass), it enlarges the view of my God in my eyes. As I tell myself and Him what I love about Him, as I think about my Savior and all He's done for me, He becomes greater in my eyes and heart and I become smaller. As John the Baptist said about Jesus, "He must become greater, I must become smaller." It was time for God's people to have a single focus, and it's time for me to have a single focus too.
Lord, help me fix my eyes on Jesus, intentionally magnifying Him and looking away from myself and onto Him. Especially when I hurt and am confused about increasing issues, I choose to look at You and worship...
Oh, magnify the Lord with me.....Fix your eyes on Jesus....If you seek me, you will find me, if you seek me with all your heart....
What I look at will be what my heart seeks. When I magnify the Lord, (as in a magnifying glass), it enlarges the view of my God in my eyes. As I tell myself and Him what I love about Him, as I think about my Savior and all He's done for me, He becomes greater in my eyes and heart and I become smaller. As John the Baptist said about Jesus, "He must become greater, I must become smaller." It was time for God's people to have a single focus, and it's time for me to have a single focus too.
Lord, help me fix my eyes on Jesus, intentionally magnifying Him and looking away from myself and onto Him. Especially when I hurt and am confused about increasing issues, I choose to look at You and worship...
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
BURDENS AND YOKES
"COME TO ME, YOU WHO ARE WEARY AND BURDENED, AND I WILL GIVE YOU REST. TAKE MY YOKE UPON YOU AND LEARN FROM ME, FOR I AM GENTLE AND HUMBLE IN HEART, AND YOU WILL FIND REST FOR YOUR SOULS. FOR MY YOKE IS EASY AND MY BURDEN IS LIGHT." Matthew 11:28-30
Such familiar words, but dig in!
Jesus goal for me: REST, not burden
Take action: COME TO JESUS, don't remain with my eyes on me, heaven forbid!
Reality: Weary and burdened......agree.
Proactive: TAKE Jesus' yoke upon me. Choose. Reach out. Bring to myself. Wear as a mantle or necklace. He is right here, by my side, bearing the weight when I give it up to His joy.
Learn: Jesus' yoke is a TEACHER. Learn from Him.
Character: Great opportunity to become more gentle and humble of heart, for that He is. he wants to teach me gentleness and humility.
Discovery: REST for my soul. My body? Maybe so or maybe not, but rest for my anxious soul.
Easy: Jesus' yoke is EASY. Really? This is easy? Oh, but not my way, but Your way Jesus. Wearing Your yoke, not the one my body wants me to display.
Burdens: its LIGHT.....Your burden. I still must carry something, haul this load, do the work. But it's not troubling. Not exhausting. It's light.
Your burden is light. You are continually helping me carry it. So I most gladly run to you Jesus. I reach out and take Your yoke upon me, every morning. This morning. I stand attentive to learn from you. To learn to wear the yoke. To learn Your presence in this. To learn gentleness and humility. to trade my burden for Yours. To discover the ease in this light burden. To find soul-rest.
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
HEAVY THINGS
THINGS THAT ARE HEAVY WHEN HANDS ARE SORE:
Bed pillows
Soft throws
Lightweight quilts
Pan lids
Full glass mugs
More than one dinner plate
Drapes that need to be opened
Full jars
A coat
A full teapot
A car door
A little bag of garbage
My hairdryer
My burden, when that's what I focus on
THINGS THAT ARE CHALLENGING WHEN HANDS ARE TENDER AND SHOULDERS ARE SORE:
Opening round door knobs
Steering a car
Buckling seat-belts
Opening new lids, small or large (so thankful for rubber grippers and kitchen hammers) Opening lids someone with a normal grip has tightened
Zip lock bags
Putting on socks
Any form-fitting shirt I used to wear 6 months ago
Pain, when my eyes stop there
Bed pillows
Soft throws
Lightweight quilts
Pan lids
Full glass mugs
More than one dinner plate
Drapes that need to be opened
Full jars
A coat
A full teapot
A car door
A little bag of garbage
My hairdryer
My burden, when that's what I focus on
THINGS THAT ARE CHALLENGING WHEN HANDS ARE TENDER AND SHOULDERS ARE SORE:
Opening round door knobs
Steering a car
Buckling seat-belts
Opening new lids, small or large (so thankful for rubber grippers and kitchen hammers) Opening lids someone with a normal grip has tightened
Zip lock bags
Putting on socks
Any form-fitting shirt I used to wear 6 months ago
Pain, when my eyes stop there
Monday, January 16, 2012
GREATER LONGINGS
It has been easy, finding myself suddenly hit with pain and suffering in my body, to long deeply and with many tears and groanings (really), for healing and deliverance. To be given my life back and have things return to normal has a consuming thought, prayer, and longing.
But as the days have turned into weeks, and the weeks turned into months, (like many other's journeys, mine hasn't even turned into years yet) the Lord has found opportunity to purify my longings. Many have walked this way before and have wise words of encouragement to help.
Lord, increase my longing for You. You long to show compassion to me, Your word says. Grant me longings to pray for Your word and truth to spread to all around the earth. Longings for the poor and hurting to find Your sufficiency and healing. For Your people to be zealous for You and Your word. Longings to reflect Your glory, as You reign in me Holy Spirit. Change my heart. And heal my body as You see fit.
Lord, increase my longing for You. You long to show compassion to me, Your word says. Grant me longings to pray for Your word and truth to spread to all around the earth. Longings for the poor and hurting to find Your sufficiency and healing. For Your people to be zealous for You and Your word. Longings to reflect Your glory, as You reign in me Holy Spirit. Change my heart. And heal my body as You see fit.
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