TWO RAILINGS

Rick Warren said something brilliant a few years ago when his wife was going through cancer treatment. He said that life isn't up OR down, joyful OR sad, good OR bad. That it's some of both all the time, like having each hand on a handrail. One's a rail of joy, and one's a rail of sadness or difficulty. They are both always present in varying degrees.

I thought that was a deep and meaningful statement, one which I've quoted a number of times since.

But you know, when one's life really is just that, both joyful and sad, good and difficult at the same time, I don't like it that much! It's not quite as brilliant to live it as to speak it! I like seeing the good in everything and staying there! Brush over the difficulties with prayer and patience, and go on creating joy.

So as I muse today, I'm tired of complaining. Aren't you glad? I mean I could complain if you egged me on....just kidding. Really, I want to be done. Paul was right in saying that we are to do everything without grumbling or disputing, that we may show ourselves as children of light in the midst of a dark generation. What a breath of fresh air to be with people who are grateful in the midst of real life. I like to be with them.

I HAVE SO MUCH JOY....oh, and yes, a little difficulty. But don't we all?
We're sitting on the edge of our seats, waiting for "that call," as Michelle goes into a slow warm-up to labor...
Greg serving me by getting all the goodies to plant a multiple number of outdoor pots
Disappointment that my sweetness goes into remission when I'm an observer and opinion-lender vs. an active participant in the pot project
The stunning beauty of a walk along the Deschutes River at Tumalo Park this morning
The realization that afternoons are when my pumpkin turns into a carriage and I can spin my wheels, not the mornings
Mountains...the Sisters mountains are just stunning! Still mostly covered with snow, they shine brightly reflecting the sun.
Asher gobbling a rabbit in our courtyard before we could reverse the scenario (don't know which category this falls into, but he thought it was sheer joy)
The gift of a sweet woman to clean our house
The sort-of disappointment that it's not me
Watching my body heal - forward, backward, better, not so much better, different
Settling into the new diagnosis of Rheumatoid Arthritis. I don't even like the word rheumatoid. It brings up pictures in my mind of witches in movies with gnarled hands and creepy faces. But alas, it is what it is.
Wishing I could write like Loralei Friesen (I'm thankful for Laura's gift of her book)
Great medical support about eventual remission and relief from issues through an ultra-healthy, plant-based diet. May it be so Lord!
Sitting with the fact that Dr. Silva was "practicing medicine" as they all do, and her diagnosis was incorrect. Still think I'm better off for those 12 treatments.
Mountains....they just keep taking my breath away. Solid, stately, beautiful snow-covered rock.

Which reminds me of THE Rock of Ages. Cleft for me. Let me hide myself in Thee.

THE LAND IN-BETWEEN

Sometimes one can be too honest in the space of a blog. I think I found that space in my last entry. Thanks for loving me anyway, even when I....complain! I listened to a CD Kathy mailed me later the same day I wrote the last entry. This hit a spot with me and is reshaping my thinking. And maybe it will with one of you too.


THE LAND IN-BETWEEN.....like the land between Egypt and the Israelite's promised land of milk & honey. This Land In-Between is fertile ground....

For Complaint....."Manna again?" Or I hear my grumble saying, "Pain again this morning?"

Fertile ground for.... Emotional Meltdown...."If you will treat me like this, kill me at once," Moses cried out to God. Or me, "God, I don't like this and don't want to handle it again...."

Fertile ground....to experience God's Provision....like God telling Moses to call 70 elders to help him carry the responsibility for the Israelites. (If I open my hands to release my fear and anxiety, and then keep them open in trust to receive God's provision, maybe I'll too experience His goodness, graciousness, and provision.) "Is the Lord's arm too short?", God asked Moses in Numbers. Of course not. I look at the family and friends God has given me to help me carry my tiny load, physically & emotionally. It overwhelms me with gratitude.

And the Land In-Between is fertile ground for....transformational growth. Here's where the real work comes in, where the opportunity shows up, where the choice is to be made. This Land In-Between is the best soil in our lives to trust our heavenly Father. For the Israelites, it was their time to become trusting, God-fearing people. For me, it's my place to learn to pray, to trust God, to surrender again and perhaps over & over.

Yet my heart is in danger in this Land In-Between. My faith can die or grow. And only I choose. Complaint doesn't want to leave and demands to come back if I send it away. I deter complaint's return by inviting trust and gratitude into my house, help it unpack it's bags, and settle it into my thoughts and emotions, my mind and heart, my prayers and cries of my heart....day after day after day.

The space in my life which I most resent is the very soil where God wants to produce what I so desperately desire, where God does some of His richest and deepest work. 

God help me guard my heart. May my trust in You grow.

Willow Creek Conference speaker, Jeff Manion. 

ENDURING

"Sometimes all we can do is endure," my dear friend Kathy wisely said to me months ago.

So in this enduring time, that's what I'm again striving for. I upped (with my MD/ND's permission) the dosage of prednisone hoping for relief and the stop of the return of issues, and the hope to then drop it more slowly beginning in a couple of weeks.

I hear on one medical side from two MD's to be patient and wait, that the great foods and diet I am on will work in time. And on the other medical side, that I need to get myself all lined up with a better rheumatologist for the heavy hitter biologic drugs, in case my plan #1 doesn't work before I start to see deformities happening. (My aversion to those drugs is their reported 400% increase in cancer cases with those on them for a while, as well as the shot-in-the-dark with which one might work.)

So I am enduring with God's help. I am seeking an attitude of gratitude, which is in hiding a lot of the time. I am aiming at a focus on others and joy, in spite of the throbs and other random joint issues. I am learning to live a new way. (Can I say I don't particularly like it? This is hard!)

Yet there's always joy to be mined out in the sorrow, Henry Nouwan says. So again I ...take Jesus' yoke on me to learn from Him, for He is gentle and humble in heart, and I will find rest for my soul. His perfect love casts out all fear....

IN LOVE....

We had such a great time in VA visiting with Mike, Alyssa and adorable Grace! I haven't had anything worth blogging about with her on my mind. Being an Oma IS all it's cracked up to be, and more! 

We went to the D.C. zoo one sunny afternoon......very fun. Grace loves the animals.

 And what Opa and Oma would leave the zoo without getting their grandbaby a stuffed toy? Grace loves her soft and cuddly cheetah!

Leave it to me to see if Grace likes my green smoothies...and she loved them! 

That's a smoothie mustache on her lip, by the way! 

Spinach, banana, blueberries, and soy milk 

all whirred up in the blender until smooth and creamy. 

The spinach disappears in taste, but helps to turn the yummy smoothie a nice brown color!

We can't wait to see them again this summer. It was a great trip! Now to wait for the upcoming delivery of Grace's baby sister, and Michelle & Rich's Marisa....coming very very soon!!!

In fact my cell phone rang at 3am this morning. My heart leapt, as I tried to focus on the caller. I expected to see Michelle's name, or maybe Mike's (although we hope not for them, not quite yet!) I was SO disappointed to discover it was United Airlines confirming Greg's flight.....

A NEW DAWN

It dawned on me today, the day after I began to surrender my future again, that I had grasped the slippery handle of control again. My mind began to operate in the "when I'm fully well" stage. I began to picture myself doing what I had always done, with maybe some tweaks and new insights added in.

But today I am wondering. I think that perhaps the Lord doesn't want me to be and do and live as I used to. By default, I lean towards what I've always done, how I've always been. But with such a traumatic ordeal these last 6+ months (to me), it's not without purpose (thank you Jana for those words of encouragement at the beginning of my journey!) To unintentionally run from the many lessons and treasures of this difficult time leaves it void.

So I'm pondering, since the Lord sees fit that I'm slowed down and not quite so comfortable again in various degrees. (Praise Him, it's not what it was in early February!)

My friend Ellen sent me a thought provoking newsletter from a missionary couple we both know. It spoke of the new seasons of getting older and of doing less, because one has less of themselves to "do" with. And to merely look for the door the Lord is opening for each of us. I don't have to have 5 doors to go in and out of, as much as my former self would like. I just need to keep my eye out and my heart willing to walk through the one door. Who knows to where it will open!

Remember "Let's Make a Deal?" I loved that show as a kid....wondering which door the contestant would choose, and what is behind each one. The exciting thing about God's doors is that He never sets before us a gong-prize door. Perhaps not what we expected, but what do we know!


Nothing compares to His wisdom, power, might, love, plans, and purpose!

Father, please help me to listen to Your Spirit within me, to discern Your open door and Your ways for me, and to relax in the process of living each day with what I have today. Please help me choose gratitude. And to thank You in the questions and the unknowns. For You Are Truly and Eternally Good!

STILL LEARNING

It is so hard to be patient! 

When I felt lousy all over and had no idea of whether I would get well or not, somehow it was easy to ride the storm. But now that I am way way better than I was 2 months ago, I can taste health....and I can hardly wait! The mornings I awaken stiff-sore-fatigued, which are frequent at this stage of my prednisone withdrawal, my faith falters. My eyes look down. At me. At my issues. At my teeny tiny world. When my discomfort lasts most of the day, I tend to walk with a heaviness that only One can carry. I forget. Forget to take His yoke upon me (remember Barb that it's easy), I forget to look up, forget to let my heart raise into His presence and away from little me.

I have just enough energy many days to focus on cooking good food, on rest, on saunas, and maybe a little more. So how do I make my focus others and Jesus? This is more difficult than when I had none of myself. It makes me think of Paul's words...and the answer to my dilemma.

I Cor 15:57 But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. Therefore, my dear brothers, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain.

So I run to Jesus again. He has already won this battle. I flee from my self-centered thoughts. I enter into praise and gratitude. I give Him "a sacrifice of praise" and "a sacrifice of thanksgiving", which really are not sacrifices at all! I remember a devotional a while ago that encouraged me to recognize that this time of quiet and worship IS the "work" given me by the Lord for right now. Today is a gift. This wanna-be-busy-again-woman still has much to learn.

DEEP WORDS AND SHALLOW THOUGHTS

"In Me, you have everything. In Me you are complete. Your capacity to experience me is increasing, through My removal of debris and clutter from your heart (idols referred to a few days ago). As your yearning for me increases, other desires are gradually lessening....desiring Me above all else is the best way to live." Jesus Calling, April 3

I long to yearn for God, and ask Him to help me want to know Him more....

On a more shallow note....we are loving this new way of eating, the one with the term we don't want to use. And our bodies are feeling so so good, in spite of the flu Greg came home from his business trip with, and my slow recovery! No, I'm not out of the woods and the jury is still out just a teeny bit in our minds about the paint-diagnosis (but not in Dr. Silva's mind). In coming down from prednisone addiction (that's what it is), I'm finding it to be a bit of a tough road. It's odd to me - on the drug for two weeks, and then it takes months to get off of it. I have some swelling, stiffness, weakness, fatigue, and am sore in my hands/wrists/fingers/feet, shoulders....but I was told to expect this. And online, I read the same. As long as I'm not reducing the mg too quickly (Dr. Silva is overseeing this.) My adrenal glands sitting on top of my kidneys are now being called back into action, a job they were laid-off of in early February. It's hard to get back to work I guess when one's  been sleeping for 8+ weeks!! I hope I'll kick into gear more quickly when I emerge from this strange cocoon I've been in!

This is what we ate last night for dinner....very yummy and filling! We started outside on our patio, but the breeze-turned wind drove us back in!

Cream of asparagus and cauliflower soup, salad with kale (a superfood) and quinoa (high in protein) on it, and cornbread made without eggs, sugar, or anything white or processed. Ummmm, ummmm!

Here's the cornbread recipe. You might like it!

CORNBREAD

WHISK TOGETHER: 

1 ½ cups cornmeal

½ cup your favorite unprocessed flour (whole wheat or something gluten free)

1 TBL Baking Powder

½ t salt

ADD, STIRRING UNTIL JUST COMBINED:

1 cup nondairy milk (soy, almond, rice, oat, etc.)

¼ cup applesauce

¼ cup real maple syrup

Optional: 2 TBL raw sugar

POUR INTO 9” Square or Round GREASED BAKING DISH. 

BAKE 20 MIN at 400 degrees, or until done.