Tuesday, July 3, 2012


Paula emailed me yesterday a prayer for my weeny self. It brought on tears of gratitude and praise. Then she suggested I call and have her pray for me over the phone. I was so encouraged and uplifted, that I thought I had transitioned from my weeny-state to a warrior-state, ready to take on the day's challenges at OHSU!

But I'm still the weeny. 

Easily admitted. I am so disappointed that the Lord didn't see things my way, that I didn't get well eating super nutritiously as others have. I'm grieving that the new dr.'s ways are the old ways of any rheumatologist, and that I didn't get my way. I've cried, pleaded, trusted, sought scripture verses that resonated with my heart, and cried more. And all the while my caring husband trying to hold back his raw sentiments and words of "What's the big deal? Take the drugs. It's not as bad as you think." He's been on this journey for 9 months too, which hasn't been the party in Bend he expected either.

So I want to become a WARRIOR! That's my self-coaching goal, getting my eyes on the vision and knowing where I'm going. I want to be drug-free, healthy, strong, pain-free, and physically active again. Can that be part of the warrior definition? I hope so, in time perhaps!

Yet it starts inside, reformation of my inner-woman from a weeny-woman to a Woman-Warrior! And so I go to school again..."Take my yoke on you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls." I have a number of wonderful teacher-family & friends in my life. My sister, my daughter & son-in-laws, Sue, Janet, Debbie, and others...I just know school is/was great for their students! But for me, I hated school growing up. Maybe it had to do with being 5 years old in 1st grade, and one of 51 students being controlled by a cranky old woman who whacked my hand with my pencil for my poor penmanship. And here I am again, behind a desk needing instruction and growth.

But look at my Teacher now....Jesus! He's gentle and humble in heart, and wants to help me find rest for my soul. I'm in! Now may I just stay at my desk, keep my eyes on my Teacher, listen well, and walk forward past all-residual weeny emotions into my Warrior Self just waiting to be revealed! Naughty children sit all around me trying to distract me from my Teacher's face, and I must not let them become my friends. The meds have been permitted to be a tool to healing and warrior-status. I will choose to be grateful for a choice that promises to have positive benefits. So down go my weekly 6 pills with a big green juice, in hopes that I'm one of the 30% this drug impacts in the 3 month trial. And if not, back to the desk....

In You I choose to trust!

A wonderful song of truth.... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uHdcyue0bSw

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