Saturday, March 24, 2012


Mr. Wonderful-in-my-life wrapped his arms around me and asked me, "Will you still be sweet when you are well?" That is not an easy question to hear. It is not an easy question to answer.

I know the RIGHT answer, but how can I do and be what I don't do and be, well, by myself? Sweet.....what does that look like towards Greg in the midst of all my opinions and thoughts and ideas and desires?

I asked MWIML (code for above description of Greg) a few weeks ago, when I sensed some distance and formality towards me, whether he liked me and "us" better when I was sick and fully dependent on him. He stopped and paused, which is not something typical for this guy. He thoughtfully said that he liked it when I needed him.

Huh. Yikes. I apparently have some personal character and attitude work to do. I need to learn to be sweet. I need to learn to show my husband how much I need and appreciate him in the midst of my growing independence. This somehow feels like hard work for this self-focused woman.

"But if you do not drive out the inhabitants of the land, those you allow to remain will become barbs in your eyes and thorns in your sides. They will give you trouble in the land where you will live." Numbers 33:55

I have unkind inhabitants in my land! They are desiring to make me see things incorrectly - barbs in my eyes! I have self-focused, ungrateful thorns that have grown up and around my home! They are pointing out and pricking my much-loved man. Ahhhh.....Lord Jesus, help me! Please let me take Your yoke on me and learn from You....You Who are the One who is humble and gentle in heart!

"If I had cherished sin in my heart...." Ps 66:18 I do not cherish these sins of independent unkindness. I must be ruthless with myself. As kind as a lamb to Greg. As fierce as a lion towards my sin...utterly driving it out. I must surrender again to the Spirit's control. Yes. Thank You Lord.

Thank you for your prayers. God is continuing to change me, which is a very good thing! Please pray He helps me drive out and utterly destroy all the sinful inhabitants in my land. I suspect there are a number of them I think are friends, but they're not....maybe you've encountered a few of them when I've been with you. I'm sorry.

I had two more acupuncture treatments this week, leaving just two more in this series. I am so so thankful for them....and so thankful that they will be done for at least a month. They are p-a-i-n-f-u-l! Not because Dr. Silva and her colleague Benson aren't doing a fantastic work, but because I really messed my body up with this paint toxicity to such a degree that it hurts getting the toxins out, as well as the slow process of coming off  the prednisone (I'm only 5 mg away from the "no-possible-complications" dosage)!!! I much prefer the comfort of perspiring out toxins in the little sauna Greg purchased from Costco for me. (What a guy. He will do anything for me....and has.) Dr. Silva wants me to be patient, that this could take until summer until "I won't remember this anymore." I like that description and the hope she gives me! I tell you, most people go to her as a last resort, and most find substantial help for almost anything re their bodies (i.e. lifelong migraines, back issues, allergies, etc.). But I would recommend you go first! Go before heading into drug-land! She may just help you get well naturally and without surgery or drugs! I am also continuing on this new way of eating, which is very delicious! My body likes it, and Dr. Silva says eating no meats/dairy/refined or processed products has tremendous healing benefit. I know I recommended seeing the film, Forks Over Knives. I am recommending it again. Our food, as good intentioned as we may be, might be hurting us.

Tuesday, March 20, 2012


I think we're getting somewhere with this body. Oh my. To not talk about it will be a joy! (Don't you agree? Thanks for YOUR endurance!) This seems like such a long process. The timeframe doesn't really matter, except that I talk on and on about it and it gets in the way of what would feel like a meaningful life.

Dr. Silva believes I'm on a normal and good track towards health. That the bumps in the road are normal for coming off of prednisone and restarting my adrenal glands. That's so reassuring, since any little step back could otherwise make me think the sky is falling. It's a several week process and stepping back more slowly this week from this drug is helping. Crazy!! I was never interested in this stuff, but so glad for professionals who are and know what to do!

The fact that I've been busy is a good thing, and really quite a miracle considering that 2 months ago I had only 50% physical capacity! With Michelle's baby shower, Michelle & Rich visiting us until today (food, games, reading, walking some), going back and forth to Salem for the acupuncture treatments, and learning/practicing a new way of cooking, my life feels more useful than before. However.............I would never ever trade anything for all the Lord's taught me and all He's shown me of Himself. I aim to daily take Jesus' yoke on me and learn from Him, the One who is gentle and humble in heart, and I will find rest for my soul. I long to seek Him the rest of my life....

Father, You are. And You are all I need. Jesus, I seek to know you more. I desire to love you with my all. Holy Spirit, please help me.

Tuesday, March 13, 2012


I am still waiting. As time goes on, I am tempted to become frightened that this new diagnosis by Dr. Silva is inaccurate. Although I am way, way better, and my painful right shoulder and arm are at about 90% up from 10, when I wake up in the morning with my sore hands in the morning and a new knuckle a little puffy, when my wrists are weak when I pick something up, I'm tempted to....freak out. Freak out that the horror of pain and disability I previously experienced is going to come back and be a reality in me and our lives (this is not an individual game...Greg is in it for the long haul too). Freak out that I won't have the life, the rest of my life, that I desire - and long for. Freak out that I won't be able to swoop up my grand babies and wrap my arms around my husband as I desire without pain.

And then Jesus talks to me, as He does through devotionals and His word and people and His Spirit in me. This morning He rested my soul with the words from Jesus Calling and Scripture, reminding me that in this world, I will have trouble. But to take heart, He has overcome the world. To abide in the vine, to remain in His love.

Learn to live above your circumstances. This requires focused time with Me, the One Who overcame the world. Trouble and distress are woven into the very fabric of this perishing world. Only My life in you can empower you to face this endless flow of problems with good cheer. As you sit quietly in My Presence, I shine peace into your troubled mind and heart. Little by little, you are freed from earthly shackles and lifted up above your circumstances. You gain My perspective on your life, enabling you to distinguish between what's important and what is not. Rest in My presence, receiving joy that no one can take away from you."

Thursday, March 8, 2012


We had to take our Bouvier dog to the vets again today. His surgery from a few months ago in his abdomen is failing to heal and then stay healed.

Greg calls Asher from wherever he is lounging in order to take a look. Asher comes to him without much hesitation and rolls over without being asked. I watch how this dog's veterinarian-wanna-be dad gently cleans his continually opening wounds, not something that is pleasurable I'm sure for this boy. Today, the call from dad was to get in the car without his buddy dog....certainly a sign by this time that something is up and it's not going to be so good. Then to follow his master into the vet office, go into the exam room, and obey everyone poking and prodding him. Only to be stuffed in a small cage to wait another surgical operation.

If only Asher could see the big picture. Then he'd know it's all worth the pain and will be good on the other side of healing.

"I can fit everything into a pattern for good, but only to the extent that you trust Me. Every problem can teach you something, transforming you into the masterpiece I created you to be. The very same problem can become a stumbling block over which you fell, if you act with distrust and defiance. The choice is up to you, and you will have to choose many times each day whether to trust or defy Me.

The best way to befriend your problems is to thank Me for them. This simple act opens your mind to the possibility of benefits flowing from your difficulties."

March 16, Jesus Calling


Col 1:12 " thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of the saints in light." get the job, to get into a program, to do the task, to enter the competition.

I've been qualified to do a few things in my life. I won a school position in 7th grade I was seen as qualified for. Well, maybe throwing candy to the younger children could have been part of it. I was qualified somehow to go to college and to graduate, despite myself. Jumping ahead some years, I became qualified to teach children and teens, to mentor girls, to coach women.

But qualified to share in the inheritance of the saints in I know in myself I am NOT qualified for this, I'm not worthy to receive this qualification. I don't deserve it one bit. For its true, I was once walking in the kingdom of darkness, deserving the just wrath of God for my sin, especially that of denying and rejecting Jesus over and over until His day of grace for me at 25.

Yet, the matter is settled in Jesus Himself, not in me. I am mercifully qualified....."HE has transferred you from the domain of darkness ----- to the kingdom of His beloved Son, in Whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins."

I praise You Father for transferring Your daughters and sons, including me, out of darkness, a deep darkness we can't comprehend, and into the kingdom of light. For You are the light of the world Jesus. Your redemption makes me speechless. Your forgiveness fills me with gratitude. 

Saturday, March 3, 2012


I woke up a few nights ago with a headache, that remained in the morning.  My Salem out-of-the-box Dr. said a headache is probably my indication that I'm breathing toxic air, since my nose doesn't work very well. She wants me to "cook" our house a few times to get rid of the paint and other toxic fumes trapped within our well-insulated walls, but that will happen next week. Maybe I'm just getting a cold and have a headache to start it off. I don't know.

Being healthy enough to serve Jesus and therefore others on this earth is important. But even more so is to have a healthy heart.

"Do not make an idol or set up an image or a sacred stone for yourself....I am the LORD your God." Lev. 26:1

What toxins are IN ME? What have I placed or invited and then allowed to remain on the walls of my heart and mind that continually leach poison into my emotions and thinking? As I study and research options to get well in a healthy manner, if possible, am I setting myself up as #1 in my life? Not on purpose, but slowly rolling long stripes of self-focus that disallows fixing my eyes on Jesus?

May I please Lord learn to say more and more and more, "Thank You, Jesus, for this opportunity to trust You more." 

Jesus Calling, March 1: "Though the lessons of trust I send to you come wrapped in difficulties, the benefits far outweigh the costs....I have promised to keep you in perfect peace to the extent that you trust in Me."  ('You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in You. Trust in the Lord always, for the Lord God is the eternal Rock.')

Thursday, March 1, 2012


I am experimenting.

I am feeling quite good and almost completely pain free.

I long to be strong to love and serve others.

I long to live within my core values.

I have options.

Diet, acupuncture, and rest may be the Lord's way for me back to function.

I will watch and wait, with a little doubt in my back pocket, but an apron of HOPE around my neck and tied around my waist.

If you are inclined, watch the incredible documentary called Forks Over Knives (Netflix has it streaming). It's quite enlightening, disturbing, and gives roots to my dietary journey.


The Israelites followed God witnessing & experiencing miracles, provision, and the pillar of smoke and fire, yet they readily abandoned Him to a homemade gold cow after just 40 days of Moses' absence. Peter walked with Jesus 3 years, seeing and even doing miracles. Yet when he was up against a wall, He denied Jesus outrightly to protect his own fearful skin.

So if these who walked in the visible presence of the Lord found themselves faithless, how do I stand a chance of faithfulness to love and obey Jesus? It's actually easy when I'm sick and desperate, but what if I get well and up to speed again?

"Sit at my feet every morning, and you will have power and ability to walk with Me during your day," He answered my heart's cry. 

I can do that. Not depend on me, but on His daily "manna" provision of truth and light.

"The lamps on the pure gold lamp stand before the Lord must be attended continually." Lev. 24:4
'Continually: repeated frequently in the same way; without interruption.

What a Provider You are Jesus! I eagerly sit at Your feet, taking Your yoke on me every morning, and learning from you, You who are gentle and humble at heart. Thank You.