I have been wanting to write about ways the Lord shows compassion in illness. I have a cute video I want to share.
But I was surprised by a wall I hit yesterday afternoon. The wall of anger.
I found I wasn't at all angry with God, nor of course with Mr. Wonderful-Greg. I wasn't even really angry with the presence of this disease. Well, maybe a little, but not predominantly. I became suddenly so so angry with the pain. The unrelenting jabs and stabs and searing shots in my upper arms & shoulders, day & night, for the last 3 months. (To be honest, my arms are fine sometimes and with no or minimal discomfort, but when they're not, they're not.) Anger that Greg was having to carry the full load of "us." Anger that I can't even dress/undress without Greg's assistance right now. Nor go for a walk.
I found that a rising guilt was accompanying the anger. "Where is my hope? Where is my trust in my faithful God who is only good? What attitude and mindset am I allowing dominance?" But pretty much, I just wallowed in an attitude of anger.
After a restless night, the 5:30am hour finally came and I entered my sanctuary, where I receive daily treasures. I felt absent of anticipation, low on the faith meter, and empty in hope. Yet as I opened my devotionals, my soul was slowly waking to the soothing whispers of the Comforter.
"In You, Lord my God, I put my trust. I trust in You...No one who hopes in You will ever be put to shame. Show me Your ways Lord, teach me Your paths. Guide me in Your truth and teach me, for You are God my Savior, and my hope is in You all day long." Ps 25:1-5
"Worship Me only. Whatever occupies your mind the most becomes your god....Anxiety gains a life of it's own, parasitically infesting your mind. Break free from this bondage by affirming your trust in Me and refreshing yourself in my presence...Guard your thoughts diligently; good thought choices will keep you close to Me." Jesus Calling, Jan 30
So I proclaim that I trust You Lord. I believe You are in this and that You are working this out for good. I again choose gratitude and name my unending blessings. Help me trust You. Thank You.