IN LOVE....

We had such a great time in VA visiting with Mike, Alyssa and adorable Grace! I haven't had anything worth blogging about with her on my mind. Being an Oma IS all it's cracked up to be, and more! 

We went to the D.C. zoo one sunny afternoon......very fun. Grace loves the animals.

 And what Opa and Oma would leave the zoo without getting their grandbaby a stuffed toy? Grace loves her soft and cuddly cheetah!

Leave it to me to see if Grace likes my green smoothies...and she loved them! 

That's a smoothie mustache on her lip, by the way! 

Spinach, banana, blueberries, and soy milk 

all whirred up in the blender until smooth and creamy. 

The spinach disappears in taste, but helps to turn the yummy smoothie a nice brown color!

We can't wait to see them again this summer. It was a great trip! Now to wait for the upcoming delivery of Grace's baby sister, and Michelle & Rich's Marisa....coming very very soon!!!

In fact my cell phone rang at 3am this morning. My heart leapt, as I tried to focus on the caller. I expected to see Michelle's name, or maybe Mike's (although we hope not for them, not quite yet!) I was SO disappointed to discover it was United Airlines confirming Greg's flight.....

A NEW DAWN

It dawned on me today, the day after I began to surrender my future again, that I had grasped the slippery handle of control again. My mind began to operate in the "when I'm fully well" stage. I began to picture myself doing what I had always done, with maybe some tweaks and new insights added in.

But today I am wondering. I think that perhaps the Lord doesn't want me to be and do and live as I used to. By default, I lean towards what I've always done, how I've always been. But with such a traumatic ordeal these last 6+ months (to me), it's not without purpose (thank you Jana for those words of encouragement at the beginning of my journey!) To unintentionally run from the many lessons and treasures of this difficult time leaves it void.

So I'm pondering, since the Lord sees fit that I'm slowed down and not quite so comfortable again in various degrees. (Praise Him, it's not what it was in early February!)

My friend Ellen sent me a thought provoking newsletter from a missionary couple we both know. It spoke of the new seasons of getting older and of doing less, because one has less of themselves to "do" with. And to merely look for the door the Lord is opening for each of us. I don't have to have 5 doors to go in and out of, as much as my former self would like. I just need to keep my eye out and my heart willing to walk through the one door. Who knows to where it will open!

Remember "Let's Make a Deal?" I loved that show as a kid....wondering which door the contestant would choose, and what is behind each one. The exciting thing about God's doors is that He never sets before us a gong-prize door. Perhaps not what we expected, but what do we know!


Nothing compares to His wisdom, power, might, love, plans, and purpose!

Father, please help me to listen to Your Spirit within me, to discern Your open door and Your ways for me, and to relax in the process of living each day with what I have today. Please help me choose gratitude. And to thank You in the questions and the unknowns. For You Are Truly and Eternally Good!

STILL LEARNING

It is so hard to be patient! 

When I felt lousy all over and had no idea of whether I would get well or not, somehow it was easy to ride the storm. But now that I am way way better than I was 2 months ago, I can taste health....and I can hardly wait! The mornings I awaken stiff-sore-fatigued, which are frequent at this stage of my prednisone withdrawal, my faith falters. My eyes look down. At me. At my issues. At my teeny tiny world. When my discomfort lasts most of the day, I tend to walk with a heaviness that only One can carry. I forget. Forget to take His yoke upon me (remember Barb that it's easy), I forget to look up, forget to let my heart raise into His presence and away from little me.

I have just enough energy many days to focus on cooking good food, on rest, on saunas, and maybe a little more. So how do I make my focus others and Jesus? This is more difficult than when I had none of myself. It makes me think of Paul's words...and the answer to my dilemma.

I Cor 15:57 But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. Therefore, my dear brothers, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain.

So I run to Jesus again. He has already won this battle. I flee from my self-centered thoughts. I enter into praise and gratitude. I give Him "a sacrifice of praise" and "a sacrifice of thanksgiving", which really are not sacrifices at all! I remember a devotional a while ago that encouraged me to recognize that this time of quiet and worship IS the "work" given me by the Lord for right now. Today is a gift. This wanna-be-busy-again-woman still has much to learn.

DEEP WORDS AND SHALLOW THOUGHTS

"In Me, you have everything. In Me you are complete. Your capacity to experience me is increasing, through My removal of debris and clutter from your heart (idols referred to a few days ago). As your yearning for me increases, other desires are gradually lessening....desiring Me above all else is the best way to live." Jesus Calling, April 3

I long to yearn for God, and ask Him to help me want to know Him more....

On a more shallow note....we are loving this new way of eating, the one with the term we don't want to use. And our bodies are feeling so so good, in spite of the flu Greg came home from his business trip with, and my slow recovery! No, I'm not out of the woods and the jury is still out just a teeny bit in our minds about the paint-diagnosis (but not in Dr. Silva's mind). In coming down from prednisone addiction (that's what it is), I'm finding it to be a bit of a tough road. It's odd to me - on the drug for two weeks, and then it takes months to get off of it. I have some swelling, stiffness, weakness, fatigue, and am sore in my hands/wrists/fingers/feet, shoulders....but I was told to expect this. And online, I read the same. As long as I'm not reducing the mg too quickly (Dr. Silva is overseeing this.) My adrenal glands sitting on top of my kidneys are now being called back into action, a job they were laid-off of in early February. It's hard to get back to work I guess when one's  been sleeping for 8+ weeks!! I hope I'll kick into gear more quickly when I emerge from this strange cocoon I've been in!

This is what we ate last night for dinner....very yummy and filling! We started outside on our patio, but the breeze-turned wind drove us back in!

Cream of asparagus and cauliflower soup, salad with kale (a superfood) and quinoa (high in protein) on it, and cornbread made without eggs, sugar, or anything white or processed. Ummmm, ummmm!

Here's the cornbread recipe. You might like it!

CORNBREAD

WHISK TOGETHER: 

1 ½ cups cornmeal

½ cup your favorite unprocessed flour (whole wheat or something gluten free)

1 TBL Baking Powder

½ t salt

ADD, STIRRING UNTIL JUST COMBINED:

1 cup nondairy milk (soy, almond, rice, oat, etc.)

¼ cup applesauce

¼ cup real maple syrup

Optional: 2 TBL raw sugar

POUR INTO 9” Square or Round GREASED BAKING DISH. 

BAKE 20 MIN at 400 degrees, or until done.

WILL YOU STILL BE SWEET?

Mr. Wonderful-in-my-life wrapped his arms around me and asked me, "Will you still be sweet when you are well?" That is not an easy question to hear. It is not an easy question to answer.

I know the RIGHT answer, but how can I do and be what I don't do and be, well, by myself? Sweet.....what does that look like towards Greg in the midst of all my opinions and thoughts and ideas and desires?

I asked MWIML (code for above description of Greg) a few weeks ago, when I sensed some distance and formality towards me, whether he liked me and "us" better when I was sick and fully dependent on him. He stopped and paused, which is not something typical for this guy. He thoughtfully said that he liked it when I needed him.

Huh. Yikes. I apparently have some personal character and attitude work to do. I need to learn to be sweet. I need to learn to show my husband how much I need and appreciate him in the midst of my growing independence. This somehow feels like hard work for this self-focused woman.


"But if you do not drive out the inhabitants of the land, those you allow to remain will become barbs in your eyes and thorns in your sides. They will give you trouble in the land where you will live." Numbers 33:55

I have unkind inhabitants in my land! They are desiring to make me see things incorrectly - barbs in my eyes! I have self-focused, ungrateful thorns that have grown up and around my home! They are pointing out and pricking my much-loved man. Ahhhh.....Lord Jesus, help me! Please let me take Your yoke on me and learn from You....You Who are the One who is humble and gentle in heart!


"If I had cherished sin in my heart...." Ps 66:18 I do not cherish these sins of independent unkindness. I must be ruthless with myself. As kind as a lamb to Greg. As fierce as a lion towards my sin...utterly driving it out. I must surrender again to the Spirit's control. Yes. Thank You Lord.


Thank you for your prayers. God is continuing to change me, which is a very good thing! Please pray He helps me drive out and utterly destroy all the sinful inhabitants in my land. I suspect there are a number of them I think are friends, but they're not....maybe you've encountered a few of them when I've been with you. I'm sorry.


I had two more acupuncture treatments this week, leaving just two more in this series. I am so so thankful for them....and so thankful that they will be done for at least a month. They are p-a-i-n-f-u-l! Not because Dr. Silva and her colleague Benson aren't doing a fantastic work, but because I really messed my body up with this paint toxicity to such a degree that it hurts getting the toxins out, as well as the slow process of coming off  the prednisone (I'm only 5 mg away from the "no-possible-complications" dosage)!!! I much prefer the comfort of perspiring out toxins in the little sauna Greg purchased from Costco for me. (What a guy. He will do anything for me....and has.) Dr. Silva wants me to be patient, that this could take until summer until "I won't remember this anymore." I like that description and the hope she gives me! I tell you, most people go to her as a last resort, and most find substantial help for almost anything re their bodies (i.e. lifelong migraines, back issues, allergies, etc.). But I would recommend you go first! Go before heading into drug-land! She may just help you get well naturally and without surgery or drugs! I am also continuing on this new way of eating, which is very delicious! My body likes it, and Dr. Silva says eating no meats/dairy/refined or processed products has tremendous healing benefit. I know I recommended seeing the film, Forks Over Knives. I am recommending it again. Our food, as good intentioned as we may be, might be hurting us.

ARE WE GETTING SOMEWHERE?

I think we're getting somewhere with this body. Oh my. To not talk about it will be a joy! (Don't you agree? Thanks for YOUR endurance!) This seems like such a long process. The timeframe doesn't really matter, except that I talk on and on about it and it gets in the way of what would feel like a meaningful life.

Dr. Silva believes I'm on a normal and good track towards health. That the bumps in the road are normal for coming off of prednisone and restarting my adrenal glands. That's so reassuring, since any little step back could otherwise make me think the sky is falling. It's a several week process and stepping back more slowly this week from this drug is helping. Crazy!! I was never interested in this stuff, but so glad for professionals who are and know what to do!

The fact that I've been busy is a good thing, and really quite a miracle considering that 2 months ago I had only 50% physical capacity! With Michelle's baby shower, Michelle & Rich visiting us until today (food, games, reading, walking some), going back and forth to Salem for the acupuncture treatments, and learning/practicing a new way of cooking, my life feels more useful than before. However.............I would never ever trade anything for all the Lord's taught me and all He's shown me of Himself. I aim to daily take Jesus' yoke on me and learn from Him, the One who is gentle and humble in heart, and I will find rest for my soul. I long to seek Him the rest of my life....

Father, You are. And You are all I need. Jesus, I seek to know you more. I desire to love you with my all. Holy Spirit, please help me.

STILL WAITING

I am still waiting. As time goes on, I am tempted to become frightened that this new diagnosis by Dr. Silva is inaccurate. Although I am way, way better, and my painful right shoulder and arm are at about 90% up from 10, when I wake up in the morning with my sore hands in the morning and a new knuckle a little puffy, when my wrists are weak when I pick something up, I'm tempted to....freak out. Freak out that the horror of pain and disability I previously experienced is going to come back and be a reality in me and our lives (this is not an individual game...Greg is in it for the long haul too). Freak out that I won't have the life, the rest of my life, that I desire - and long for. Freak out that I won't be able to swoop up my grand babies and wrap my arms around my husband as I desire without pain.

And then Jesus talks to me, as He does through devotionals and His word and people and His Spirit in me. This morning He rested my soul with the words from Jesus Calling and Scripture, reminding me that in this world, I will have trouble. But to take heart, He has overcome the world. To abide in the vine, to remain in His love.

Learn to live above your circumstances. This requires focused time with Me, the One Who overcame the world. Trouble and distress are woven into the very fabric of this perishing world. Only My life in you can empower you to face this endless flow of problems with good cheer. As you sit quietly in My Presence, I shine peace into your troubled mind and heart. Little by little, you are freed from earthly shackles and lifted up above your circumstances. You gain My perspective on your life, enabling you to distinguish between what's important and what is not. Rest in My presence, receiving joy that no one can take away from you."